The most inhumane pain IS NOT, as many Spanish people my age are thinking (a pun based on an old song that goes: “el dolor más horroroso, el dolor más inhumano, es pillarse los cojones con la tapa de un piano= The most excruciating pain, the most inhume pain is crushing your balls with a piano lid) crushing your dear balls with a piano lid. What’s more, it is not even a male genital pain, but a pain suffered by women. I mean, the terrible, cutting pain that a woman feels when, suddenly, one day she realizes she’s married to an idiot. This post is the fruit of a thorough observation of some couples, among them the one formed by my fifth-floor neighbors. Both of them are young, with a little kid. Although she does not stand out for her brilliance, but compared to her husband she is a genius.
There’s no need for him to speak. Just being is enough. Just being present, his mouth shut, is enough. Silence has also an IQ. In this case, I would give my fifth-floor neighbor a score of zero, like the temperature in air-conditioned stores in summer.
Every woman who is married to an idiot eventually wakes up to reality. Some may need just a couple of months, whereas others may need years.
The most excruciating pain, the most inhumane pain is the one suffered by those women who, just five minutes before dying, see their whole lives, with idiots, passing before their eyes. That’s the worst pain. I really do pity her, my fifth-floor neighbor, poor thing! She still has not realized, because matrimonial idiocy is often disguised under many names, while the blindfold is still on. Oh, my husband, he is SO SWEET! How he likes to play with our child! (and you can see the moron playing the fool, yelling at the top of his lungs, legs dangling over the edge of the pool). Oh, how kind he is, my dear, dear, husband! Always so helpful and willing to do the shopping for me! (and you see him at the supermarket touching and squeezing avocados, with no plastic gloves, chewing gum as all idiots who don’t know what to do with their mouths usually do.
Because, my dear readers, you should know that there are so many people who are so silly that they cannot manage their own bodies and have to turn to clumsy tricks in order to go for a walk and maintain proper dignity. Chewing gum is the typical example of those who don’t know how to zip it and keep a calm, serene face. Those are the ones who, in their previous lives, were camels or cows or any other ruminant, and the memory of their rumination, an unconscious imprint in a very remote part of their brains, force them to chew over and over again, compulsively, and make huge bubbles that explode and stick all over the face of the stupid bubble blower who simply laughs at the sound of the POP!
This kind of idiot is progressive. Stupidity is innate, but it is gradually increased as time goes by. When this couple, my neighbors, moved to my building, the idiocy of the guy was not so striking, although he already showed promise. He somehow managed to conceal his idiocy, not entirely (that dumb smile of his indulging other neighbors and laughing at their stupid jokes betrayed him). Youth, very often, camouflages stupidity very well. So does hair. A man with an abundant mane can disguise better his idiotic nature. Hair is a great distraction; it diverts the observer towards other places, far from true stupidity. The same thing happens with stupid females: the pilose distraction maneuver prevents other people from finding out their IQ score at once.
Unfortunately, no drug can calm and heal this pain. Not even getting away from those husbands and losing sight of them would cure the wretched spouse in the short run. She undoubtedly would be much better off without an idiot in her life, although the bitter aftertaste of “how could I be so foolish not to realize how foolish this guy was?” will burn her entrails forever.